In Case of Emergency

Do not break glass. 

Ask the glass politely to break itself. 

If it doesn't break, then you weren't doing it right. The mistake you were making was in putting your needs ahead of the needs of the glass. Think of the inconvenience for the people who'd prefer the glass remain unbroken. Reconsider your right to even have glass to break. Ignore the alarms. 

IN CASE OF FIRE:

Stop, drop, and try to empathize with the fire. Do not use a fire extinguisher or douse it with water; this is impolite to the fire. It doesn't take into account the needs of the fire. If you can just explain to the fire the ways in which it has made you personally uncomfortable, if you can get it to understand that your skin is blistering and accept responsibility for the damage it is causing, then perhaps you can have a healthy dialogue. Form a committee to foster an honest conversation about the ways in which you may be misunderstanding the fire's intent. 

IN CASE OF A BEAR ATTACK:

Try to understand the bear. Reason with the bear. Tell the bear it looks beautiful in the moonlight and though you don't like the look of its claws, you understand that it had no choice in being born with such claws, and you would like to help it become a better, less vicious bear. Not that you think its current state is necessarily bad. It's just a difference of opinion, whether the bear should maul you or not. But if it could not maul you this one time, then you will owe the bear.

IN CASE OF A FLESH-EATING VIRUS:

Try to compromise. Give a little. Let the virus eat your face, but not your hands. It's okay to be angry about losing your face, but don't be so mean about it. Give the virus a little credit now and then. It wasn't born with much; the scientific community won't even acknowledge it as a living thing. The virus is disenfranchised. So let a virus eat your flesh now and then. 

IN CASE OF ALIEN INVASION: 

Some say aliens are invading. Others disagree. Both sides abduct people and experiment on their bodies while holding them in a semi-conscious state such that they can feel every poke and prod but never do anything to stop it. Both sides have long, green, weird fingers and eyes like black almonds. Don't be an elitist.  

IN CASE OF FULFILLMENT OF ESCHATOLOGICAL PROPHECY AND  USHERING IN OF ANY NUMBER OF DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST: 

Relax. Stop whining. Is the apocalypse a bad thing? Critics disagree. There are many ways to react. Reach out. Build a bridge. When the Four Horsemen ride up to you, don't run away. Tell them how noble and shiny their horses look. Thank them for liberating you from this terrible planet. 

IN CASE OF SOME ASSHOLE PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE AND JUST WAILING ON YOU WITHOUT END: 

Put yourself in his shoes. Just for a minute. Think about how hard this is for him.